I have written on this blog about sexual desire in relationships and particularly, the lack of sexual desire in long-term relationships. It seems to be such a common issue and one that causes much distress. I invite you to think about what we grow up expecting of a relationship. What is the story we are told about relationships?
For me, I think of the ideal of being in a long-term relationship where you experience that feeling of being known, really known, by your partner. That you will feel loved, wanted, worthy, attractive. That your sense of connection and love will only grow over time. That all of this will equate to beautiful, passionate sex. That when children come along, this will only increase the sense of connection. HA HA HA I hear you say! But what actually gives us this impression?
I suppose it starts with the stories we are told as children. If you think about the classic fairy tales that every child hears - Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty & the Beast - all of them end with and they lived happily ever after. All the rom-coms we grew up with - Sleepless in Seattle, Pretty Woman, When Harry Met Sally - they too portray a certain image of relationships. Lets not even get started on the gender stereotypes they promote. When you are growing up, most of us aren't told about the pressures of being with one person for the long-term. Of coming together with someone who may have grown up in a very different way to you, who may have different values, different ways of communicating, different goals, different ways of coping with stress. Then add in the stresses of life - money, children, ageing parents, work - and we are expected to cope with all of this and maintain a passionate, romantic and sexy relationship. No wonder most of us feel like its unachievable. In reality, amongst the grind of daily life, something has to give and its not uncommon for that to be sexual desire.
Desire is an interesting beast. It thrives on excitement, spontaneity, distance, mystery. And yet, we expect it to be there when we feel comfortable, close, connected and at ease in our long-term relationship. Its just not realistic. Sometimes, in order to re-ignite desire we actually have to change how we are in our relationships. Here are my top 3 tips for re-igniting sexual desire:
1. Create the distance that desire craves - start to look for time apart from your partner. Participate in an activity independently. For example, start a challenge at your gym or join a book club. If you usually spend every minute of the weekend with your partner, start to arrange some lunch dates with friends instead. Sometimes we expect that, for close-ness in a relationship, we have to be doing everything together. We don't. We need to maintain lives outside of our relationship so there can be opportunity for mystery, for you to miss each other and for you to be able to develop your own identity.
2. Try something new - I mean something sexy. Some examples may be: send cheeky text messages, write a note with what you would like to do your partner and leave it somewhere to surprise them (in their lunchbox is a cheeky spot), buy some new underwear that is different to your usual ones, purchase a new toy together, choose a sexy movie to watch, read erotic literature aloud. There are endless possibilities, just be creative and be willing to give it a go.
3. Flirt with your partner - this is often over-looked in a relationship when we are feeling comfortable but the purpose of flirting is to show your partner you find them attractive and to be playful. Most of us experience desire when we feel desired and flirting is so important in that process. However you flirted with your partner when you first met, bring some of that back.
At the end of the day, bringing sexual desire back into a long-term relationship is tricky. So, try some of my tips but also know that is help available. Call me or email me if you would like to talk about I can help!