When I tell people that I am a Sex Therapist, one of the most common responses is a raise of the eyebrows and a cheeky smile, before asking what it is I actually do. Thanks to loads of movies, tv shows and some confusion within the field of Sex Therapy itself, there isn't a great understanding of what a Sex Therapist does. We all remember Greg Focker's mum in Meet The Fockers, or Marion in Kath & Kim, or more recently, Tricia on Married at First Sight and while these roles have been great entertainment, they aren't an accurate representation of what happens in Sex Therapy.
Sex Therapy is just like any other type of counseling: we talk about a problem a person is having and use a range of strategies to address the problem. I usually ask a lot of questions to help me get a good understanding of what exactly is happening and how it is impacting on the person and their partner, if they have one. We sometimes will develop a timeline or look at how the family system has contributed to the development of beliefs around sex. Usually, this is the first step in addressing the problem, as the person is able to gain a better understanding of how the problem has developed and what keeps it going. We then try a range of strategies including changing thought patterns, practicing mindfulness, suggesting activities to try, communication changes, challenging beliefs. It is different for everybody and what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others, so it's important to keep discussing how a strategy is going. Sometimes the person's partner joins a session and we are able to develop an action plan that the partner is a part of. For example, we need a partner to be on board when using Sensate Focus, which is a staged model of touch.
We also address other issues which are getting in the way of sexual wellbeing, including anxiety, depression, relationship issues, previous trauma etc. Often, sex therapy highlights the other issue that is actually causing the sexual problem. For example, young men experiencing premature ejaculation are usually experiencing anxiety. While we may suggest some strategies to address the premature ejaculation itself (e.g. stop-start method, squeeze method), we will actually provide therapy to address the anxiety.
However, in Sex Therapy there are a few things we NEVER do:
- Touch - of any kind. This means the therapist does not touch the client, nor does the client touch the therapist. To be clear, sex therapists will not help you by having sex with you.
- Watch you have sex - a therapist does not actually need to SEE what is happening in order to help you. This means we dont need to see you have sex in the room or on any kind of recording. We ask questions so we have an understanding of what is happening and this is all that is needed.
- Talk about their own sex life - this is just a no-no as it blurs the boundaries of therapy. From time to time a therapist may talk about a personal example of something in their life, however personal details of a sex therapist's own sexuality or sexual behaviour are not spoken about. It's just not helpful for anyone.
If you would like more information about what happens in a sex therapy session, feel free to get in contact!