The thought of talking to your kids about sex is one thing guaranteed to make most parents shudder and think up every reason/excuse to avoid. Most parents wish they felt more comfortable to talk about sex with their kids, but don't really know how to bring it up or even how much information is appropriate. The studies show that children, especially adolescents, seek out information about sex and relationships primarily through their peers and the media. Is that the source of information that you trust? Do you really want the media e.g. pornography, teaching your child about sex? I bet not. The fact is (and studies support this) that teaching adolescents to avoid sex doesn't actually lead to them avoiding sex. Shocking right? In fact, it does the opposite. Teaching abstinence leads to sex with multiple partners, more at-risk sex and ultimately a not-so-postive experience of sex. On the other hand, teaching adolescents about healthy sexual behaviour has the desired effect of delaying first sexual experience, fewer sexual partners and engaging in safer sex practices.
As I've previously spoken about on this blog, most of us haven't had the best of sex education and most of our parents were as awkward as we now are with talking about sex. Parents often ask me;
How should I bring it up?
What should I say?
How much information is too much?
They don't need me to talk about it do they?
The good news is you don't have to have all of the answers and be able to do this PERFECTLY before you even try. The absolute best way to provide sex education to your children is simply being open to talking about topics that may feel awkward. Children, in particular, ask questions. SO many questions. Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to eat vegetables? WHY WHY WHY? So the trick is, when they inevitably ask you questions about sex and relationships, the best way to respond is with facts, but also, with an open, comfortable demeanour which shows them they can ask you any question about this area and wont be shamed or shut down.
If you have younger children, the best way to start healthy sex ed, is by naming their body parts by the correct terms and teaching them about body rules. For example, calling their penis a penis instead of willy, pee-pee etc and also reminding them that no one can touch their penis without their permission and they cannot touch other peoples private parts either. Children are never too young to know about body parts and body rules.
If you have older adolescents, who inevitably laugh in your face if you ask them about sex, you may have to be a bit more tricky. While you are driving with them, or cooking, or some other non-confronting situation, ask them how they are going with relationships. Start broad, but then sharpen your questions to being more specific. Ask them how they feel about having a sexual relationship and what they know about it. Again, being comfortable and open is key here. They may even bring up a friend's relationship or situation and this also a good way to have an open discussion and find out how your teenager feels about sex and relationships. The key in adolescence is talking about experimentation, consent and self-esteem.
Overall, the trick with talking to kids about sex is being open and feeling comfortable to talk about anything (at least appearing comfortable, even if inside you are freaking out!!). If you are after more information, Talk soon Talk often is a fantastic resource put together by the WA state government which has loads of info on what to talk about in each developmental stage.
Happy chatting!