Wow, what a few weeks it has been. We have gone from living our usual lives to now considering how far away we are from each other, what are the work-from-home arrangements, how to juggle school-aged kids now being at home, how do I add ‘teacher’ into the many hats that I hold, who are we allowed to see, can we go there and is it really essential??!!
Time to take a big deep breath. Lets sit for a minute and have a look at this situation. Our lives are topsy-turvy. We are finding ourselves thinking in a way that we have never needed to. The one thing that is more contagious than COVID-19 is anxiety. And let me tell you, anxiety is the least helpful thing when it comes to relationships. Anxiety makes people withdraw, control, yell, do too much, do too little and it generally makes us feel terrible. All of a sudden, we are likely spending more time with our beloved in an extremely stressful situation, which is likely leading to all kinds of conflict.
Here are my 5 top tips for getting your relationship through isolation and the COVID-19 situation.
Take a big deep breath. Notice where you are holding your breath - does it feel like it is getting down to your belly or are you noticing that it has been sitting high in your chest and shoulders? Self-awareness in this situation is crucial. Notice how tense or stressed you are, as this is likely impacting your behaviour and your interaction with your partner. And if you are holding stress, your partner is likely stressed as well. Name the stress and share it with one another. Let them know where you are at and how you are behaving.
Talk about your needs - your partner may think that all this extra time together means extra snuggle time, but perhaps you actually need some time alone rather than being together constantly. Maybe you need to have a private Skype call with your friend so you can debrief without your partner hearing you. Maybe you actually do need an extra snuggle, but your not really interested in sexual touch right now. When we can identify and communicate our needs, this gives our partner a way to be, which stops them from needing to assume our needs.
Use this time to re-visit shared hopes and goals - think about what you had wanted in the earlier years of the relationship and do an audit of where you are now. Is there anything you are wanting to work toward with your partner? This time can be an opportunity to go deeper in conversation than perhaps what has been possible amongst the daily grind.
Engage in some quality sexual time - now is the time to create some space to allow for extra touch that maybe you have forgotten about. There are 5 types of touch - affection (kissing, holding hands), sensual (a longer cuddle while on the lounge, touch while going to sleep or waking up), playful (a shower together, massage that includes genital touch), erotic (genital touch that includes with hands, oral or with toys) and intercourse touch. This is a good time to look at what touch is regular in the relationship and perhaps which touch you may be missing.
Go easy on each other and yourself - this is an extremely stressful and odd time. Finances may be impacted, children may be in different routines, work may have changed. This is the time to practice pressing the pause button and not reacting to stressors but rather choosing how to respond.
Time in isolation may be highlighting some difficulties within the relationship that you may like to get some help with. I am currently offering face-to-face and online appointments, get in contact if I can help.