Anxiety around sex is one of the most common issues there are and it can often lead to avoidance or not being your true self when it comes to sex with a partner.
There are loads of factors which cause anxiety. Some of the most common are worry about how your body looks (is my tummy wobbling, do I look funny down there, is my penis big enough ??!!), worry about being judged by your partner (are they going to think I'm crap in bed, are they going to think I'm a 'slut'??!!), worry about performance (what if I can't get it up or keep it up, what if I don't come??!!) and worry about pain, when pain has previously been an issue. These types of worry fall into 2 categories; worry about what may happen in the future and, what we call, spectatoring. Spectatoring is when we are watching ourselves doing something and critiquing how we are doing it, rather than just focussing on the task at hand and immersing ourself in the sensory experience of it.
The experience of anxiety is normal and vital to our survival as human beings. The part of the brain which sends off an anxiety response in the body is the first part of the brain to develop and we have it in common with every species on the planet. We need it when it comes to responding to a legitimate threat, like when we see a snake or are threatened by another person. It can also be really helpful when we need to have some pressure on ourselves, like when we have to complete something important, but we aren't necessarily keen to do it. Think when you have a deadline to meet, like an assignment due at work or uni, its actually anxiety which helps you to complete it. You worry about the consequences if you dont get it done, which actually creates the pressure to get it done.
On the other hand, anxiety can be really unhelpful. The anxiety response itself is not a pleasant sensation. Heart pounding, shortness of breath, feeling shaky, brain-fog, sweaty palms. None of us want to feel this, so we tend to avoid any situation that produces these sensations. Sometimes even just thinking about a situation can produce this response and therefore we avoid it. This happens with sex, just as much as it can happen with public speaking, going to a new gym or going on a first date. The issue with anxiety and sex is that it blocks the body from being able to properly prepare for sex. It gets in the way of lubrication, blood flow and hormones. This can actually then lead you to have an unplesant experience of sex. Then, the brain thinks that sex is unpleasant and wires itself to respond to the unpleasantness, by creating anxiety and leading you to avoid sex. It's actually a cycle, which can be quite difficult to break. Here are my top 5 tips on breaking the cycle:
1. Develop awareness on what is happening in your body leading up to and during sex. Notice any thoughts you have about sex and any body sensations. Are you thinking about sex in a negative way? Are you noticing your heart rate increase or your breathing shortens? Do you have a sense of dread?
2. Practice relaxing your body. Start by taking deep breaths, at least 4 seconds to inhale, pause, then 4 seconds to exhale. Imagine your breath going into each part of your body and releases any tension that exists. Or you could progressively relax each muscle group, starting in your feet tense your toes and foot then allow it to relax, before moving upward in your body.
3. Allow yourself time to become fully aroused before you have intercourse. Spend time touching your partner and allowing them to touch you, exploring what you both like or not. Engage in 'outercourse', which is everything other than intercourse. Some examples of giving and receiving oral sex, massaging each other, using your fingers to explore one another. Do not move on to intercourse until you both feel adequately aroused (this can take 25 minutes + for a woman).
4. Intercourse is only one part of an enjoyable sexual relationship, there are many other aspects which can be explored. Expand your sexual repertoire by researching other types of play that you may enjoy. We have other body parts other than a vagina and penis!
5. Do not proceed with sex if you aren't ready. This sounds obvious but it never ceases to surprise me how many people keep going, due to not wanting to upset their partner or embarrassment or just not realising they should stop. This actually will maintain the problem as you wont enjoy it and it could cause pain, which then tells the brain that sex is a threat and on we go with the anxiety. Have a discussion with your partner about what you can do if your just not feeling it, so that you can both be prepared for this case.
Anxiety is one of the main issues that sex therapists see so there's no need to be shy, come on in so we can start working on getting control of it and you can start enjoying a healthy sex life!